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A Spotterīs Guide to Heathens
Could this person have a spirit animal? Is it on their rings, their pendants,
their t-shirt, tattooed across their lower arms, and who knows where else? Count
the critters. If you can find more than five you have the animal loving heathen.
And possibly also:
Beanie (TM) Heathen
Checks the toyshop window every morning to see if their spirit animals have been
released as a beanie baby. Will have a soft squashy pile of furry fun next to
the alter, hanging over doors and portals, decorating mirrors and bookshelves.
Always wears black, probably has black soap and black towels in the bathroom.
Has to hurry away after moots so they don't miss the start of the vampire
convention or the Goth band concert. Will often have Beanie Baby bats hanging
from the bedroom ceiling.
Cannot leave their technology nest to attend rituals and moots without mobile
phone, electronic organiser, palm top PC and modem. Will surf the net to check
moon phases during horn passings. Dresses like Neo from the Matrix and dreams of
owning a working light sabre.
The true heathen maintains his street cred. Follows the latest trends adding
their own Heathen slant. 'Wassaaaaaaaaaaaaail!, Wassuuuuuuuuuuup!' 'Watching the
battle, having a mead.' 'Asa -True.' 'Asa -True.'
This common disease, effecting many heathens, is highly addictive and
financially crippling. Suffers will always have at least one plastic bag
containing books purchased that same morning. Buying every available book on
Germanic culture is not the cure, there are some lovely books on the Celtic
In it for the beer Heathen
Slides under the table during moots, only attending when the pub serves their
favourite real ale. Their rituals are often indistinguishable from their
piss-ups. Watch for the pained expression as they pour beer in the blessing
This person has a secret crush on Freya, or Thor, or both!, or maybe an affinity
with rune divination. But a heathen? Oh no, never one of those, how crude that
would be! Next thing I know I'd be dragging a sword round Sainsburys bellowing
Odin! - and that would never do! Lets keep calling the quarters, polishing the
athame and hope no one finds out.
Scary Viking Heathen
These heathens milk the 'Big bad viking' image for all it's worth. A table cloth
and a plastic horned helmet is just the job to transform their biker gear. They
believe they have let the side down if no panicking local headlines appear the
day after a ritual. These heathens hold all the best parties and are easily to
spot in their local pub waving a four pint drinking horn. They are masters of
the art of quaffing.
Always wears historical costume, even their pure linen underwear is hand
stitched! Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a ceremony wearing a watch,
glasses, or any other mechanical assistance.
If its in a book it must be true. If its in an old book, it must be really true.
If its in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people that
couldn't read, then it must be way true. As such this 'true' knowledge must be
preserved and observed as the only true way to be a heathen.
Suffers serious nature withdrawal symptoms if removed from the natural world for
more than 10 minutes. They can be found stroking the vegetables in supermarkets
trying to be 'one' with the natural forces. Their home is filled with
interesting bits of wood, feathers, rocks and desiccated road-kill animals. They
will have lengthy conversations with all of the above.
Wears black, looks shifty and practises demonic cackling. Ceremonies may include
genuine insane behaviour. These people give the shadows in dark alleys the
'heebie-jeebies', but beneath the scary exterior they wouldn't hurt a fly - it
could be Loki after all.
Delights in fire, has a house full of candles, incenses and oil burners, lights
them all at the same time at the slightest excuse. Has difficulty in modern
houses which do not have an open grate. At camps is always messing with the
fire, tending it lovingly and jealously, urging it to it's full potential, that
stage where any combustible material within 10 feet will spontaneously ignite.
Bought a set of runes and a 'how to do it' book in W H Smiths last Friday.
Flicked through the book, looked at the pictures and found the summary table on
the back inside cover. Is now checking the destiny of the immediate family and
house hold pets. The layout he learned for Tarot last weekend seems to work just
fine for runes too! Hey! Next week I'll learn the Cabbala.
The runes are all powerful and represent the whole universe and knowledge, no
mystery is not to be found contained among their secrets. The spring sun may be
blazing outside the closed bedroom curtains, and silver wolves are rutting on
the lawn, but he doesn't care, because all that matters is in his little pouch
Speaks Anglo-Saxon, Norse, Old High German, Latin and Greek. Keeps notes not
only in runes but an authentic 6th century Jutland dialect. They make everyone
around them feel totally inadequate, but may need shooting if they turn into the
Totally out of touch with the rest of heathenry, doesn't everyone speak Norse
these days? They will write ceremonies that are so full of archaic words that
neither you nor the gods themselves are sure what religion you belong to, which
gods you have invoked, or what you are trying to achieve. Often surrounded by
groupies too mesmerised to notice.
Normally a guy, but these days anything's possible. Has heard about the Norse
pantheon's sex goddess - She did it with four dwarves, wow! Maybe even a pimply
loser with a generous beer gut can score here! Where do I sign up?
This heathen was attracted to the faith because there are so many gods and
goddesses - so its better than the Christian faith which has only one - right?
So they pick a god. A god that's all-powerful, all-knowing and created the
universe - so you don't need any of the others, right?
Thorskegga Thorn & Dragon
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